11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
kevin is now a local weatherman
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime