What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I have a black belt in leather
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect