Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.