They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Jurassic park gets weird
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
(Electricians.)
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water