I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?