If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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*jingles half the way*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls