Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?