Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
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A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Every work call, he judges.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !