That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
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[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
It鈥檚 a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It鈥檚 a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 馃槂
“it’s $9”
馃槱
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
馃槂
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing