Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
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Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Wikigenius
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks