“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
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[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN