Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
You Might Also Like
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.