Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.