*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Look at this
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN