I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.