My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
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Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit