God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
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I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The Compass
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.