She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
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Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
New comic up. “Ransom”
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it