I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
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I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.