Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
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I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.