Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The Sun
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Not helping
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail