AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
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Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out