Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop