*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards