cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
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CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
WWE is French for “yes”
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape