Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
This kid will have a bright future.
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”