Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
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I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome