I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
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every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.