Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
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If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.