I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My whole life was a lie.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”