My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
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Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.