[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
You Might Also Like
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible