Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
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Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.