Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations