@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
How funny!
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?