“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
You Might Also Like
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.