How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
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*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
lmao
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
What’s a Messi?
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.