me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
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A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you