ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.