-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Always 🥴
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.