I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.