friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
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[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.