[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
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when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Guy who likes music
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.