My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
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This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?