*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m not wrong
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?