Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Passwords are more important than ever.
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Sex so good you see dead people.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
When I pack too much for a short trip.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own