I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
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[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?