SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
You Might Also Like
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Bread puns are on the rise!
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
kevin is now a local weatherman
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.