Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
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Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
what’s more important?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.