I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
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[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
A friend sent me this.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?